Oooohhh man, I really wanted to write yesterday… I was not able to put myself in a position to succeed at that, or rather, I didn’t sit down and just go for it.
For me personally, consistency is a tricky subject. There are aspects about me that never change, like my creative optimism and overall joyful demeanor. Inversely, there are things about me that constantly change. Not saying I’m special in that regard, I’m positive it’s an aspect of being alive.
Where am I going with this?
Scapegoats, excuses, distractions… Insecurities of various sizes and forms are a root cause of inhibition. A lot of my time and energy has gone into uncovering the sources of these dispositions. I realize, like most all humans, the risk of embarrassment is high on the list of discomfort.
…the fear that the best I can give in any moment is not enough…
Ironically, paralysis analysis leads to not doing anything at all, and that is far worse than trying even a little bit and struggling.
Where do these whims originate within the human mind?
A blunt realization: the excuse of potential embarrassment stems from obsessing over a negative future outcome that may or may not occur.
Therefore, putting energy from the current moment into envisioning an undesirable outcome…? is just tormenting oneself with worst-case scenarios.
Projecting poor persistence plus premature punishment.
Although I’m ultimately writing this to and for myself, I hope that journaling publicly inevitably reaches someone who needs to read this thought-digest. My brain-drain.
Perhaps my monologue(s) will resonate with someone in just the right way like— “oh snap, many of these ideas and thoughts have rolled around in my head too, I just haven’t yet been able to order and regurgitate them yet”.
Incidentally, this really isn’t my base motivation for writing though. At least not yet.
Somewhere within the last several years, I have grown timid towards the complex relationship between public recognition, confidence, vanity, and ultimately defining personal success.
Tying all this together:
I do not write because I find reasons to talk myself out of it.
I allow my comfort-seeking tendencies to thrive by getting distracted by media and activities that do not directly reflect my goals.
I have avoided persisting in various things because I “catastrophize” worst-case scenarios, instead of starting, giving my best, and adapting to challenges *as* they appear.
If anything, writing like this, putting these thought-vomits out into the universe, is a form of self-accountability. Once it’s written, even if it’s erased for whatever reason in the future, I am going to press publish and keep pushing forward.
Some days I’ll struggle and not reach my goals. As long as I don’t beat myself up about it, but rather choose to recognize what took the place of what I needed or wanted to do, I can actually progress with self-discipline.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ that’s all I really needed to get out.
The funny thing is, I could write all day, I am not yet sure how to format or structure posts in a thread of congruence or context yet. One day at a time.
And as Jake the Dog would say:
“Sucking at something is the first step to being sorta good at something”
Starve The Ego, Feed The Soul 